i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
