there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
