in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
