i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
