I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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