I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
