I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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