it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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