did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Randomize
