it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
