1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
