Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
