If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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