I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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