I CAN MOONWALK!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
