The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
