he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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