You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
two words: eviction party
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
