I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The air was thick with penises
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
