My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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