Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
