I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
