Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
