Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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