Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
