I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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