I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
How does one acquire holy water?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
