I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He did a backflip because drugs
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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