WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We have started to decorate penises.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
