It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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