so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I need to stop coming to work sober
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
