just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
