Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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