who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
