Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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