Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I've blown a few things in my day
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
