Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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