So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
