Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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