you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
worst night to have a conscience
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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