So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
