I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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