i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
