He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
