ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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