You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
