You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
