She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
