she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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