the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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